Scared

Maybe its time to just give it up? Im tired of being tired and im tired of having to make excuses about how im just not feeling good. I want to kill myself every day….theres not a single day or even 4 hours when the thought doesnt go through my head. Ive tried many times to get help in the earlier years but nothin really seemed to make the thoughts or even my voice inside my head go away… the pills just numb my feelings. They make me unaware of my surroundings and quite frankly hey make me scared…scared of myself and scared of what i may say…..I need to leave soon….im just waiting for the right time….. i know i shouldnt but it just gets harder and harder with every breath i take. I feel empty and useless like i have no point i feel sorry and hopeless like i cant do anything right for anyone …not even my boyfriend….i love him so much but its so hard getting attachted to him when i feel like someday i may have to leave him because of my thoughts. i feel sorry because ik how much he loves me but im so scared that one day hell wake up and not want to be with me because i push him away. i cant help myself but to do it…i need to for his own good! hes sweet and an idiot but hes mine and i love him. I just know that one day he might see me and i may not be breathing……I dont want to disappoint him but i feel like i may sometimes. I feel like i cant keep living this way. Im not myself and havnt been for years I dont know what ive become or what im doing. Im scared and i feel like ill never amount to anythin but a manager at mcdonalds. i dont feel like myself anymore. I need to go away. Move something. I need to go away from my friends and everyone. I love my bf and my parents and a few of my friends but its really hard to keep living with them pretending im happy that im with them when really i force myself every day to leave the house. Im scared of the outside. Im scared of outside my thoughts….im scared i may one day take eveything i love away from myself…..how can i do this?

I have to go

I want to go far away from here. Leave everything I have and just get out of town. Not out of anger or hate, but from not being able to live with the situation I’ve made for myself. I NEED A WAY OUT. I need something, anything. I just don’t know what but all I know is I can’t stay here for long. I’m just craving to leave and go somewhere. Leave the country maybe and go someone far away where no one has any sort of contact with me. I feel trapped and the only way out is to leave. 

What did I do!

This guy I’ve been hanging around with started having feelings for me and truthfully I had feelings for him too. I work with him at Mcdonalds and at first it was just me and him fighting playfully and talking but then things kinda go weird. I’m not one to enter any sort of relationship but I guess I just wanted a change. I really like this guy but I’m terrified I’m going to wake up and hate my life situation and take it out on him. I know I will but I don’t want to, I finally have feelings for someone and I’m scared he’s gonna not want to be with me once he sees my crazy side. I just can’t deal with social interactions like this. I’m honestly not mentally stable for that at all. I just don’t wanna hurt anyone but in the end I always do. Right now I’m stable but sometimes I get into stages where I shut everyone out and have to take personal time just to myself and I feel like he won’t understand that. Years ago I promised myself I wouldn’t do this and here I go again trying to hold a relationship but I don’t know if I’ll change personalities or not. It’s like I switch people, suddenly and my personality is totally different. I just hope I don’t mess this up because if I do I’ll never forgive myself. I WON’T hurt this one, he’s different. It’s like I’m addicted to this pain, I feel a connection then go for it then I feel torn down and lose myself and run away. I just wanna know what’s right to do, my morals are completely wrong in every way and he’s starting to realize who I really am and if he doesn’t like my other sides I know it’s going to have to end but I really like this guy, he’s so perfect and sweet and the funniest guy ever. He play fights with me and takes care of me, I don’t wanna loose someone as special as him. My only solace is knowing that it’s going well now, I honestly wish I wasn’t this way.

YES

I’ve finally become what I’ve always wanted. Someone with her own thoughts and feelings. Someone who’s not scared of losing someone that doesn’t appreciate them. Someone who can fend for herself. Someone who I’ve always wanted to be ….me.

What About the Future?

It seems everything I want to do with my life is so out of reach. The job field seems impossible to me. Finding a steady job after college is going to be hard. What doesn’t make sense is I’m spending so much to go to college so I can actually attempt at a steady job but no hopes can be made. Even if I complete the job field for Anthropology and History are almost never available. How can people be so comfortable with not knowing what they will do with the rest of their life? I need to know if I’ll be able to support myself after all of this. I need to know whether or not I’ll be able to be happy with my job. What will take up a lot of my life. I guess I just want what everyone else wants, stability. What’s going to happen when I get out of college and find that all of my hard work was for absolutely nothing. Paying so much money for something I want to do with my life but finding out it got me no where. It’s sad that people who have their masters are struggling to get a job, especially after the dedication and hard work they put into it. I guess the job field is just rough for everything I wanna do. Does no one really care about History or Anthropology? There’s tons of opportunities out there but the chances of getting the job is very unlikely.  When I tell people my major and minor they just kind of give a look that says “Oh, really?”. They say there’s no jobs for History anymore, they say it’s a wasted career. What they don’t realize is if they don’t know their own past that they’ll soon be doomed to repeat it.

“I’m constantly…

“I’m constantly at battle with my mind”

Tired

I’m tired of people, tired of stress, tired of anxiety and depression and most of all..just tired. Sometimes it’s hard to be happy. Normally I try my hardest to just simply get by, and do my best but lately it never really seems good enough. I live a good life but lately everything just seems so useless and pointless. When my friends start to realize this is when I need to change something. I’m not sure what to do with everything. I just want one person to understand, or even to talk to realistically without any judgment or fear of loosing them as a friend. When i’m sad I don’t want my friends to be sad too. I love them and they’re great but they really just don’t understand that i’m tired.

Some days I fall

Sometimes when things get too stressful and fast paced it’s hard to relax and have a life. I try to make time for everything, but somehow there aren’t ever enough hours in the day. Something drags me down, a paper, work, and professors. I want to go out and meet someone and maybe have a life outside of work. My friends get mad I don’t have time for them but I can’t just drop my life and go to them. I’m lonely, lost and some what confused, I plan out my life, but I somehow forgot to work in a social life. I’m sleep deprived and constantly trying to find a way to be happy. I see others with people and going out. I want what they have. I want someone, something to just be there through life. Right now all I have is a few memories but I’m not making time for new ones. I need to find a way to manage everything and make time. It’s hard when your friends say” we’ll find you someone Abby” I break down and feel alone, I feel pathetic that they have someone and no one wants me. Sometimes I think somethings wrong with me. Maybe i’m just not good enough for it. I’ve mostly just been used, abused and thrown away when something or someone new comes along. I’m tired of being this way, of feeling this way. I find myself just doing things so people will life me. I’ve never done that in my life. I’ve always just done what felt right but recently nothing ever feels right. I feel trapped in a life that I made for myself. I feel like I was born trapped in my mind. Constantly at battle with my thoughts. When the thoughts come out it becomes verbal warfare with the people around me. Those are the days I fall. When my mind becomes my worst enemy and I crash into complete darkness. I feel like nothing I do will be good enough, like I’ll never be good enough. When you’ve been knocked down enough, it’s hard to get back. To wake up and find that special meaning that makes your life worth it. Without meaning, life is worthless. I need to find purpose to make my life worth it. Honestly right now, life seems dark and filled with people who want perfect, when I can only give them my best but it never seems good enough.

Sometimes you just need to say the words ” I messed up, but I can get through this.”

Talks with Friends

I was talking to some of my friends recently and we’ve all gotten really close since last year. I really feel like I can tell them anything. It’s amazing how many stories people have and how many interesting things there are about them. My one friend was talking about her depression and anxiety, It was great that she felt comfortable with me to share such personal things. It seems that we’ve had a lot of similar things happen to us over the years. With our families, friends, and relationships it seems we’ve been living the same life but different people. My one friend was talking about his personal issues with his body and how he feels that he can’t be around a lot of people and it made me think about how much you actually know someone, especially when they seem so confident. After a while my circle of friends was a family where I can tell them anything and I know they’ll listen and put in their input. I’m happy I have a place where I can be myself and people who will accept me and support me. It feels like I’m home.